The Definition of Unhappiness

I am a little blue tonight... I don't think I have any good reason to be feeling this way. Well, I should say that I don't have any more reason than normal.

I guess I was thinking about Ross and my 6 year anniversary that is coming up pretty soon and how we probably can't go out to brunch at Benton's like we normally do because 1) I need to avoid crowded places and 2) I really shouldn't be eating at a buffet. So that makes me a little sad, but I guess it's bigger than that too. This situation is just not at all where I thought I would be 6 years after getting married. Our lives feel so turned upside down right now... I know things will get sorted out. I know we will be happy and healthy again eventually. But this anniversary is really highlighting the unexpectedness of my illness and its unpleasant repercussions.

I just read a quote that I thought summed up my thoughts for tonight nicely: "The definition of unhappiness is the distance between they way things are, and they way you think they should be." I guess that ties in closely with one of the 4 Noble Truths of Buddhism: Suffering is caused by desire. Maybe I will think about that tonight. It is sometimes hard to accept what you have and not wish for something else though.

Jagged Little Pill

I started taking my Cytoxin today.

I woke up and nursed Amelia for the last time. Ughgh. So sad...

... and then took all my pills. I have to take 3 Cytoxin pills because they are 50mg each and I have to take 150mg each day. I also have to take my morning prednisone, Bactrim, calcium and a vitamin. At night I take a prednisone and a Nexium. I can't believe how many pills I am taking.

I felt a little nauseated before lunch, but the Cytoxin didn't seem to effect me too much immediately. I am really tired right now too, but my sleep is so disrupted that it is hard to say what that is from.

I have almost gotten all of my medical records ordered. I think it's going to run me about $50, but other WG patients suggested that it is a really good idea to keep a personal record of them. Since the WG goes into remission and (hopefully) doesn't flair back up for years at a time, it is hard to remember what happened the last time. It is good to have a record of what led to what and what medication, tests, etc were ordered.

I have been pretty sad and moody today. I read that stopping nursing can bring on a bit of mild depression for a few weeks. It's hard not to get a hit of oxytocin every 3 hours. :) Anyway, as Ross said, "It isn't as though you don't have anything to feel sad about. You mood is in line with your situation right now. I agree. It's been a bummer of a day.