My exploding finger

The following is pretty gross. You have been warned.

Tonight I made myself some tea and was squeezing honey into it. I had to squeeze the honey bottle pretty hard and all of the sudden my infected finger 'popped' and sprayed stuff all over the counter. I guess it had gotten so swollen, all the puss finally pushed through a weak spot on my skin. It didn't even come out the nailbed. It actually ripped a hole in my finger. I washed it with soap and water and put some neopsorin on it. I think it looks better than it did before now though. It was awful, but I have to laugh about it because really what else can you do?

I have had to take a Compazine the past three days for nausea.

My lungs have not felt excellent. They have had that 'breathing on a winter's day" feeling the past few days.

Nausea

Really icky day. I felt so nauseated, I took a Compazine today which ended up making me really drowsy. I spent most of the day in the glider with Amelia on my lap. Today was the first day that I have really felt pretty sick. I am guessing that the Cytoxan is starting to work.

I called Dr. Awadh regarding my fingernail infection. He put me on Augmentin and told me to go to the ER if I got a fever, chills, or my finger started looking worse. I am supposed to call him Monday morning to report on how it looks. So far, it is about the same.

The Definition of Unhappiness

I am a little blue tonight... I don't think I have any good reason to be feeling this way. Well, I should say that I don't have any more reason than normal.

I guess I was thinking about Ross and my 6 year anniversary that is coming up pretty soon and how we probably can't go out to brunch at Benton's like we normally do because 1) I need to avoid crowded places and 2) I really shouldn't be eating at a buffet. So that makes me a little sad, but I guess it's bigger than that too. This situation is just not at all where I thought I would be 6 years after getting married. Our lives feel so turned upside down right now... I know things will get sorted out. I know we will be happy and healthy again eventually. But this anniversary is really highlighting the unexpectedness of my illness and its unpleasant repercussions.

I just read a quote that I thought summed up my thoughts for tonight nicely: "The definition of unhappiness is the distance between they way things are, and they way you think they should be." I guess that ties in closely with one of the 4 Noble Truths of Buddhism: Suffering is caused by desire. Maybe I will think about that tonight. It is sometimes hard to accept what you have and not wish for something else though.

Infected Finger Nail

One of my fingernails seems to have gotten infected. I am pretty sure it was from biting my nails. I have to stop that... Anyway, yesterday my right middle finger was a little sore beside the nail. That happens all the time when I bite them. However, this morning when I got up the whole left side of the last joint was red and it just got worse all day. Tonight I called and left a message with Dr. Awadh's nurse about it. I am hoping it is better in the morning. I have this horrible feeling that I'm going to end up having to have it lanced or something. Yikes.

Out and About

Today I drove myself to my labs while my mom babysat Amelia. It was sort of nice to be out alone for once. I have constantly had someone with me since Amelia was born.

It was also the first time I had worn my contacts in a long time. Boy was everything a lot clearer! I like them way better to drive in, but probably won't wear them most days because I want to be able to nap in the afternoon without taking them out.

My sinuses were pretty stuffy again today. At least the Sinus Rinse helps for several hours at a time. I can't believe I didn't know about it when I was pregnant. I was so congested. I really think my ob should have recommended it instead of just saline spray.

Ross is having a pretty hard time. His dad is back in the hospital because he hasn't been able to eat anything. Before my WG diagnosis, we had planned on going up to Boston at the end of August... I guess that less than 2 weeks away now so it doesn't look like we will make it. We were going to take a train, but I don't think public transit is a good idea while I'm on Cytoxan. Maybe we'll go up for Thanksgiving. I am worried about Ed and think we need to make a trip soon though.

Nail Biter

I really have to stop biting my nails! Ughg. I had quit for several years, but then started again when I was sick and pregnant. However since I'm on the Cytoxin and my immune system is being suppressed, it seems like a really bad idea to keep sticking my dirty fingers in my mouth all day. Not to mention that if I bite a hangnail and make it bleed, then I have an open sore on my hand. If I keep my nails painted I won't bite them, but how in the hell do I find time to paint my nails? Right now I spend all day holding Amelia. If she sleeps, I try to sleep. If she is happily playing for a few minutes, I am trying to make up formula for the next day.

Linda and my dad offered to babysit for Amelia once she was on a bottle and I am thinking about taking them up on that offer pretty soon. It would be nice for Ross and I to have an evening alone. I wonder if we could go out to dinner and actually eat in a restaurant. I don't know how much I am supposed to stay out of public.

I don't know how much I should be in public or not because Dr. Awadh is not very clear. He says one thing and then clarifies in a completely different way. At our last visit I said, "Since I am going to be on Cytoxin, should I try to avoid public places?" He said, "Oh no. It's okay for you to go out." Ross asked, "Then she can go to the mall and the movies?" Dr. Awadh replied, "Oh, well... no, no.. She shouldn't go to the mall." Ross then persisted, "Then the movies are okay?" Dr. Awadh said, "No, probably not the movies either." Alrighty then. So??? Where can I go in public if not the mall or movies? I will maybe ask my WG Yahoo group.

As for symptoms, my sinuses were bothering me quite a bit today. I got really stuffy and did my sinus rinse in the middle of the day (and actually did it twice in a row) instead of in the evening like normal.

The ball of my right foot is hurting too. I have had this happen before and I really think it is just from wearing my Dansko shoes for weeks in a row. I have asked Ross to bring my tennis shoes so I can switch it up. Hopefully that will fix things.

Good Weekend

It was a really nice weekend.

Yesterday morning Ross and I went back to our house and gathered up a few more things to bring to my moms. We also got my car so I will be able to drive myself to my labs. I am hopeful that I will stay feeling good enough to be able to do that. The Cytoxin has made me a bit nauseated everyday around noon, and I would say I have been getting progressively more tired each afternoon. However, I have been doing tons of Amelia's care on my own and have been really active, so some of my fatigue might be from that. Today was actually the first time I have had to nap in about a week.

Last night Robin and Adam came over and we had a fantastic time. They brought pizza. I made bubble tea and we talked for several hours while Jackie and my mom looked after Amelia. As much as I hated to quit breastfeeding, it was pretty nice for someone else to be able to feed her while I talked with my friends.

The prednisone is making my face look awfully round and fat. They call it 'moonfaced'. I am also getting more facial hair. Ick. Well, since dog training is out for a while, maybe I can apply for a 'freak' position at the state fair. I don't think that requires anything more strenuous than smiling politely at people.